A Halloween Countdown Lost in Time, Day 25

Man what a party, but enough of that, let's walk backwards through time to thursday nite, shall we?

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, this book becomes indespensible when tripping your way through various horror movies. Slashers, monster flicks, aliens, demonic possession, haunted houses, zombies; its all here. Like the subtitle says, "All the skills to dodge the kills". With a forword by Wes Craven, which is more like an apology to his movies in which all his characters fall victims to slaughter and death, how can you lose?

Leo:Well, you can skip buying it, that's a loss.

Indeedy-do! Its like Creepy and Crawley boiled down into a handbook for surviving horror, which is exactly something you guys need to make sure you know. What can we expect in this black book bible of doom? It starst off first by helping you identify if you are indeed in a horror movie, from discovering budget (looking at the surroundings and props), to discerning which or your pretty friends is a stereotype for getting offed by a slasher with a machete. From there is divides its chapters based on horror genres, then splits them up into sub-genres. These all have allusions to popular (and sometimes obscure) horror movie references (a break-down of slasher killers like Freddie and Jason, to babysitting horror legends), which are practically and hilariously plotted out to help you not get killed by random cars or zombies. Did something last summer you shouldn't have? Kill everyone who knew you did, including friends. Killer in the house you're babysitting for? Torch the house and run home. House possessed by pissed off native americans? High tail it out and don't look back (unless its for the dog).

Also detailed are harbingers of doom: things like light where it shouldn't be, deadly animals like sloths (the only animal named for a deadly sin) and ravens/crows, or boobies. And besides tips on what you should do when your corn has children in it are practical tips like how to stay awake for a week straight (including dietary concerns, temperature, and stimulants), or how to outsmart a devil posessed vehicle (get wet), or even what to bring for a sucessful exorcism (a healthy young priest, the right bible passages, and buckets of holy water). While all told tongue in cheek and jokingly, these small gems are there if you need them for other reasons besides the Terrorverse kind (though I would hope it wouldn't).

The illustrations are coomposed of nothing but thick lines, reds/blacks/whites/some pinks, and snarling beasts. Its not asthetically pleasing as, say Kanon or Air, but at least the beasts and killers look like they'd kill you if they could somehow step out of the pages and down your throat. I like them; they remindd me of Madd Matt and puppies wanting to tear out your intestines.

Also included is a pretty comprehensive list of great horror movies for not only thrills but for additional study materials. If you've ever wanted a list of the must-sees and dont' feel like turning on Bravo's 100 Scary Movie Moments, then this is where you turn. In addition to the greats, it also lists the worsts. Yes, Uwe Boll's movies are mentioned, but only one is actually described (House of the Dead is bar none the worst movie-video game conversion. HANDS DOWN), and if you thought the Leprechaun movies were bad, wait til you hear about Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood. Haven't heard of it? You're a lucky, lucky bastard.

If you haven't picked up this book, you are probably what's left of the corpse some coroner is scraping off the pavement at the opening credits of the horror movie. If you wanna survive a fight with a killer doll, and not want to find out that you've been dead since 5 minutes into the flick, you better pick this book up ASAP. Then again, I can't gurantee that the moment you get it that you won't be dodging death traps and Plymouth Furies every 5 seconds. I loved this book and keep it always within arm's reach at all times. This is not a suggestion, this is a requirement for this October, and all Octobers to come: Buy this book. Or die a mierable, torturous and splatter-punk death.

*Drop your pants and make Papa proud, Lunies!*